How to Rank #1 on Google, Guaranteed

UPDATE #2 : It appears a brilliant mind existed well before mine — Sean Revell — tip of the hat, good sir — http://01100111011001010110010101101011.co.uk/2012/01/i-am-the-rank-king/

UPDATE : The proof is in the pudding, people:

———————————————————–

I’m not much of a snake oil salesman, however, I figured out  a way to rank #1 on Google, guaranteed. I’m so sure of my new system that I’m not even going to charge for this excellent advice.

I have no idea who these people are, but they seem legit!

First, you’re going to need a website. Any website will do, but it will need to be yours, as studies have shown it is unlikely your website will rank in the SERPs if, in fact, you do not actually have a site.

Got one set up? Great… keep reading.

Second, you’ll need to create a new page or blog post. Make sure you don’t accidentally noindex it; that will void all the warranties and guarantees that come with this advice.

Third, type seven random words on this page, ideally with proper HTML. The key is they have to be random, no sentences, no long tail search terms, no phrases, nothing but gibberish.

Examples:

  • Banana chalk prototype fighter grainy periwinkle horn
  • Alphabet beta plausibility gorilla cereal telephone tripping
  • Fun ripped quasar yellow nostalgic crisis zipper
  • Documentation forking heater baseball radio government mouse
Point a link from the homepage of your website toward this new page with the exact phrase as the hyperlink text. Once again, double check you’re not noindexing the page, or nofollowing this link.

Lastly, press my Get Links button.

I guarantee that within two weeks you will be ranking for your random phrase in the #1 position of all search engines or I will personally apologize for your misfortune on Twitter.

I’ll never understand why people think this SEO thing is so hard…

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24 Comments

  1. Carson Ward
    Posted April 4, 2013 at 9:56 pm | Permalink

    Clearly this guy knows what he’s talking about.
    http://i.imgur.com/555laPw.png

    And people wonder why SEO has a bad reputation! Keep churning out this quality great amazing viral content, for it is king.

    • Rob
      Posted April 4, 2013 at 10:17 pm | Permalink

      Do you even lift?

  2. Posted April 4, 2013 at 11:03 pm | Permalink

    Why are there 7150 other results for that long seemingly unrelated to each other keyword?

  3. Posted April 5, 2013 at 5:20 am | Permalink

    I came here looking for a Banana chalk prototype fighter grainy periwinkle horn and I don’t see any kinds of horns, only something about “SEO” – please tell me where I can buy my horn.

  4. Posted April 5, 2013 at 6:55 am | Permalink

    Who ever said that SEO is complex ?
    Your method is simply brillant and everyone serious about online business should apply it :)

    Thanks for sharing this priceless method !

  5. Posted April 5, 2013 at 8:53 am | Permalink

    hmmm… seems to me you pilfered Sean’s idea over at http://01100111011001010110010101101011.co.uk/2012/01/i-am-the-rank-king/

    …accessible via the search query:
    “pickled vienetta slices in rotherham”

    I apologize if you didn’t! And stop going on 4chan, it rots your brain.

    • Rob
      Posted April 5, 2013 at 3:23 pm | Permalink

      Updated the post — hadn’t seen that before, but credit given where credit due — Sean is just well beyond our time

      • (not) Se▲n
        Posted April 5, 2013 at 3:47 pm | Permalink

        He sure is, and handsome too…

        My personal favourite is “Amateur Connect 4 Club Teams in Togo” I’ve heard he has made a lot of money through this search term.

  6. Posted April 5, 2013 at 12:54 pm | Permalink

    Of course this term does not exist and has no competition

    • Rob
      Posted April 5, 2013 at 3:23 pm | Permalink

      Yeah right, keep thinking that — I’m literally raking in millions a day on those terms

      • John
        Posted May 6, 2013 at 10:15 pm | Permalink

        Can I upvote this response?

  7. Posted April 7, 2013 at 7:55 am | Permalink

    Seems to me to be an ingenius idea.

  8. Hickory Jones
    Posted April 8, 2013 at 9:18 pm | Permalink

    Oh dear Robert…. when will you stop trying to compensate for how poorly hung you are.

    Don’t you know real men just naturally rank #1. You won’t see me trying to “enhance” my stuff…

  9. Carson Ward
    Posted May 3, 2013 at 12:48 am | Permalink

    Did you mention that one must keep the fresh keyword density score above 77%?

    How to rank first on Google is a good article. I have always wanted to know how to do the things to rank number one on Google. It’s nice to be #1 on page uno de Google and rank first for banana chalk prototype fighter grainy periwinkle horns on Google. You’re welcome.

  10. JB Sidey
    Posted May 10, 2013 at 10:20 pm | Permalink

    SEO newbie.

    I’m definitely missing something here. Perhaps this whole thing is a piss-take. Then again, I’m intrigued because you are ranked number 1 for the search phrase I used.

    In any case, I always assumed you could rank #1 in Google search for irrelevant/made up search phrases, but I also assumed there is little to no value in that.

    Am I missing something?

    • Carson Ward
      Posted May 10, 2013 at 11:01 pm | Permalink

      Hi there,

      The post was complete satire making fun of similar posts. It was kind of dumb and mildly humorous. Then somehow it started showing up for queries like “how to rank #1 on Google.” That first position is by far the funniest part about any of this.

      What we have learned is that Google doesn’t get satire at all.

  11. Keenan Steel
    Posted May 10, 2013 at 11:09 pm | Permalink

    I used this post to rank number one in Google for my own term, “salamander cookie cloudburst revolutionary sideburn escrow meow.” IT REALLY WORKED, I rank in position one on the Google machines now!

    +++A Would buy motivational seminar on ranking number one in search engines.

  12. Posted May 16, 2013 at 4:53 am | Permalink

    Ok let me see if this will work for me.

  13. Posted June 6, 2013 at 6:50 pm | Permalink

    This post is awesome. Even better, is how it is currently ranking #1 on google for “How to Rank #1 on Google”. Take that Matt Cutts!

  14. Posted August 1, 2013 at 1:52 pm | Permalink

    I love this post, amazing!

  15. Posted August 9, 2013 at 7:35 pm | Permalink

    Can I pay you to do this for me?

  16. Greg
    Posted September 8, 2013 at 6:23 pm | Permalink

    Is there a video I can watch for this? I’m doing something wrong. Thanks

  17. Posted December 11, 2013 at 4:38 am | Permalink

    All it takes is a 1000 word long tail search term :) Thanks for the post mate!

  18. Posted April 7, 2014 at 2:28 am | Permalink

    this is the best topic about how to rank on google i’ve seen on the net , very helpful really

    thanks

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