UPDATE #2 : It appears a brilliant mind existed well before mine — Sean Revell — tip of the hat, good sir — http://01100111011001010110010101101011.co.uk/2012/01/i-am-the-rank-king/
UPDATE : The proof is in the pudding, people:
I’m not much of a snake oil salesman, however, I figured out a way to rank #1 on Google, guaranteed. I’m so sure of my new system that I’m not even going to charge for this excellent advice.
I have no idea who these people are, but they seem legit!
First, you’re going to need a website. Any website will do, but it will need to be yours, as studies have shown it is unlikely your website will rank in the SERPs if, in fact, you do not actually have a site.
Got one set up? Great… keep reading.
Second, you’ll need to create a new page or blog post. Make sure you don’t accidentally noindex it; that will void all the warranties and guarantees that come with this advice.
Third, type seven random words on this page, ideally with proper HTML. The key is they have to be random, no sentences, no long tail search terms, no phrases, nothing but gibberish.
- Banana chalk prototype fighter grainy periwinkle horn
- Alphabet beta plausibility gorilla cereal telephone tripping
- Fun ripped quasar yellow nostalgic crisis zipper
- Documentation forking heater baseball radio government mouse
Point a link from the homepage of your website toward this new page with the exact phrase as the hyperlink text. Once again, double check you’re not noindexing the page, or nofollowing this link.
Lastly, press my Get Links button.
I guarantee that within two weeks you will be ranking for your random phrase in the #1 position of all search engines or I will personally apologize for your misfortune on Twitter.
I’ll never understand why people think this SEO thing is so hard…